This is the deepest thing I’ll say on the internet, I’m not being myself for a week now.

It feels so good to swear on the internet. Make everything like I was on 4Chan, Because every day is the same to me. No more keeping looks and frame, No more scary of falling from the star.

When I was a teenage, around 2012, I have a YouTube channel with 10K subs. It was pretty big for me (in 2012 it was pretty big too), and I’m happy about it. I’m still keeping the video in my NAS, archive it forever. You may ask what happened to that channel? Well, something change on my mind and “I’m not the same person since.”

I was about to quit and delete everything, YouTube ads policy change, the viewer meta changed. And so on. But I was just getting started with only 11K subscriber gain. I was not the same person who wanted to record “Hi, everyone It’s me Charon and welcome back to the Minecraft gameplay.” anymore. I was just depressed, I feel like the world around me just keep on repeating same and same every day.

Until I start working in a Youtuber company. They give me a VR headset, a shitty Vive Pro that has the worst controller ever.

That company is dream big, but still a fucking overconfident dream. Overconfident boss. It takes more than millions subscribe and views to make a company, you fucking idiot. Oh yeah, breaking news from yesterday, your fucking shitty old co-worker is talking shit behind everyone. There’s a proof from me, a recording that i made from security camera with default password. Enjoy. Sue me if you wanted too, your company is done, your co-worker is done. I’m done with your bs.

I actually hate society.

From that, sudden personality changed when I was a YouTuber. I’m being a depressed man, I started to realized that everyone around me feels like an NPC. They aren’t real. I’m sick of it. I just want everyone gone from my eyesight. I stop making a fun video and the more video I made, the more of that personality slowly seeking out and replace me entirely.

I’ve become more negatively aware of the world, insecure and have trust issue. I’ve become a boomer yelled at the microphone about life while playing Minecraft when I was in high school. Yeah, insert that “I got bullied in high school year stereotype character here.”

Life isn’t fair isn’t it? The Rich get richer, and the poor slowly get killed by the rich. This is what a perfect society for some people lived in.

My copium gas runs out. I just force myself to smile every day for that “eventually good things will happen.” But for how long? Every time when there’s a happiness, It’s just melt like an ice-cream. So I stop receiving happiness at this point.

Ever since I work for a big youtuber, I need to force myself to smile and vibe with the video. “It’s just temporary, It’s just fake happiness.” You’ll be surprised that I don’t like any of the video I made for those Youtubers. But I need to keep making it because this is the only way of how I made money for living. Unless I work 9-5 at minimum wage, I don’t have those Diploma bullshit.

I’ve always been a consultant about thing for youtubers. They’re all cringe and bs. I can tell that they’re stupid about technology and basic post-production knowledge. So I am the one who carry their entire channel for a while… Untill I got lay off.

My compensation for the layoff is 1 gaming computer that I use it for editing work with them, and A VR Headset. They run out of money to pay my compensation and force me to sign that “I quit on my own.” document. Because I made a stupid mistake of “being a nice friend to the boss” When I join. So I did sign it. Next time if you’re reading this. Beware of the workplace that have the giant Neon sign “We’re family.” it’s all a lie. You’re here to work not finding a new relationship.

My mom always said Diploma will solve everything and bring you a best job, it’s true, maybe. Job market is fucked now, so? There’s too much people on earth. More than half of gen z are unemployed. Old fart boomer will call them lazy and uneducated. I landed on that Youtuber company because it is just a fluke.

My life is always in hesitation, like if I told to my mom “I want to learn a piano” My mom always said “You need to get good at Math” Typical Asian parents. This is why I hate Asian, call me racist if you wanted too. I never liked where I came from. That’s why going to work in Bangkok is the excuse to escape my family.

It is always “maybe” that break me down, Life is yes and no. zero and one. Do it or fucking don’t, Not just “mayyyybeee” I hate hesitation, I hate for waiting for something to happen. I need a clear answer when I ask a question. Yes or no.

But then, VRChat happneded.

It changed my life. Maybe. But I’ve met a lot of friends who will take care of me and a lot of people who are being within my interest. Of course, it’s a social game, that’s mean it a double edge sword.

I’ve met a lot of group, the most primality one are waterwolf, and then one of the avatar creator lackofbinding. Who made the signature birb avatar recon that I’ve always been using it since. I loved a lot of people, and I have a dream to be friends and be nice to everyone I’ve met.

But that dream is a foolish, child-like dream. That thing isn’t possible even If I managed to, Some people are just asshole. Some are just bad for my mental health. So, after that… I’m kinda left doing that… I tried to be nice… I tried…

Now back to what I’ve started. It is so good to be rude on the interest, it feels great to just yelling at everyone once in a while. The moment I realized that the internet people are beyond helping now. It is when I start drawing a line.

The internet people are shit, for me. This is why I hate being on social media. It is just a masses of zombies waiting to attack you if you made a single mistake. There’s no such thing as apology, Even if you tried. People will just make fun of your apologized.

I hate to say this, even myself included, The internet should require an ID card to access. Just saying. There’s more bad people than good because they can’t commit crimes irl, So they go on the internet and become a troll instead. This is why the internet is so fucking outlaw, a toxic wasteland. It used to be good and entertaining, but not anymore.

All I asked for everyone is just stop being angry, stop pointing fingers and be nice to each other. It seems to not working for all of us. So That’s why I decided to remove myself from any kind of social media and stop expressing on it.

Are you left or right?

Someone has been asking this questions a lot. Are you left or right winged. I’ll say fuck you.

If you belive that you’re x or y, you’re playing someone else’s game. You know? your mind has been robbed out of your body. You are a zombie of social media and society.

Why? It’s simple, someone or something created this Ideology for us to divide apart. To make a war without reasons, It is “someone” who has control over anything, who could it be? a World leader? an Admin? a God? or it is just “Us?” Whoever control the game, they have power to do anything.

See it for yourself. Team Red VS. Team Blue, Democratic or Republican, Communist or Democracy, Coke or Pepsi, Windows or Mac, Android or iOS, Resonite or VRChat, Waterwolf or Furality.

This is not just goes for politics, I’m talking religions, cult leaders, mega corporations, and all the people who think that they’re the boss and can control everything. But in reality, you don’t.

I not gonna play for their stupid game. I’ll use what I seem to fit, I’ll eat what I find delicious, I’ll play what I feel entertain, I’ll believe what I believe. I’ll live what I lived. No one can change my mind, sure I’ll read a review and comments of a product as a social creature. But I’ll not let others change my mind.

I really wanted to stop playing this world game, Maybe I’ll kill myself. But I can’t do that. Not now.

Villain aren’t born, they were made.

What make joker become joker? society. What made a good guy become a bad guy? society, again. I won’t be this rude if it wasn’t a society. I try to be a nice person to everyone. But someone slap it back and don’t want it.

I get it that you don’t want my kindness. But putting my name on a target for you and everyone to cancel me when I made a mistake? Maybe too much. People may find that blocking someone is self-defense. True, when it used with a right context.

Sure, maybe at some point that we are having a war within each other. But at the end of the day, we all learn something. It’s not just always arguing with the same topic over and over again. What is done has become a history to learn from it.

But then again, if someone wanted to be valid on the society, and show that “Yes, I agreed on hating this guy” They will do anything to tear down the villain, even including sharing things out of context. Making up fault information about the villains. We lived in the world that fault information can just spread out quickly without any way to correct it. You just give it a flashy clickbait neon light of “Breaking News” or “This guy’s situation is insane” Fair game? maybe… depeded on what side of the glass you are on?

But then blocking has become that, “I want you gone from my world.” This is why we’re slowly drifting into dictatorship society. Ready to attack when villain makes a move, even if it is a good deed or bad deed. There’s no chance for the villain to become a better person. There’s no chance for the villain to apologize. Once the bad guy dies, It’s all happy ending, everyone is happy, without asking that.

Does villain have a feeling?
Does villain also a human… just like the rest of us?
Can villain learn from their mistake and become a better person?

It doesn’t need to be “Dump him off the bus and let him find a new society, a new community.” It translates for me that “We’re very toxic towards individual that we don’t like and tried to harm us. uwu” even the words “harm” has been flamed to be out of contexts.

If I may asked, Is this what we wanted all along?